Saturn Return Data: (ongoing)
A frigid & unforgiving time when the bones regrow.
The Saturn Return! The cold wrought iron gate that separates childhood from adulthood. Astrology or no astrology, the age of 30 and the years leading up to it are a highly pressurized time period both culturally and personally.
I should say I am barely qualified to speak on such a subject because:
I am hardly out the gate myself. Not even 30 yet. Technically my Saturn return is indeed over, but some astrologers say your Saturn return is not integrated until your 33rd year (The “Jesus Year”.) Which makes sense, because Saturn progesses slow but at a consistent clip.
AND
I am no technical astrologer. I certainly know my way around the planets and general astrological building blocks, but mostly I land in the realms of art/symbol/archetype/mythopoetics, so forgive me if I offend your technical astrological data.
Yet, I wanted to share some personal Saturn return observations. For the last several years I have been very curious about this mysterious time, and have gotten much value from studying and living this transit out.
'Mythology of Youth' by Pierre Blanchard 1803
So let me take you through the findings of the 1st Saturn Return: (There are a few throughout your life if you stick around.)
The 20s
Idk about you, but entering my 20s felt like the beginning of my life. As if this was the very first time I started consciously experiencing sensations, emotions and thoughts lol. The times before that were like…a hazy different life altogether. Maybe not even mine.
Moving away from my family and out of my small town for the first time felt a bit like waking up from a nightmare screaming. Suddenly I had this unavoidable awareness that the hardships and alienation I endured were not necessarily normal, okay, or solely my own fault. My coping mechanisms of disassociation and numbing were dissolving, and I was starting to feel and question things more intensely (to my dismay.)
This is a common experience of the 20s in various ways: to grapple, react, and process what was dealt to you in childhood. This is the first time most of us have to process the period when we were completely at the whim of our parents (whoever they might happen to be) and the circumstances we were born into.
I needed these years to have my reactions and process emotions that were deeply suppressed. I promised myself to be the exact opposite of what I hated most about my early experiences. The first half of my 20s was for freaking out, differentiating, and feeling all the back logged emotions. That time was really important for me.
All that said, living in reaction to trauma and hardships has a way of building a person who is highly developed in some areas and underdeveloped in other areas. The image that comes to mind is an extremely structurally UN-sound building trying to erect itself on uneven ground. Some beams shoot right up and are now shaking tall in the sky, while other beams can’t make it 1 foot without crumbling. Yes, if I was a building in my 20s I'd be condemned.
House I saw 2 years ago resting upon like…jenga blocks?
As the years rolled on I felt acutely aware of this unstable build. The fragmentation within me was baffling and I did not know how to reconcile. This is where Saturn rolls in!
Saturn Return (27-30ish)
The best way I could describe my Saturn return is that it felt like my bones were slowly regrowing. It was dull, painful, confusing, frustrating, and I felt so weak! (I have Saturn in Pisces btw.)
“Danse Macabre” – Woodcut by Hans Holbein, year 1526
My ability to bullshit myself and others dropped to like 0% during my Saturn return. Of course I still could choose to bullshit, but I noticed how much of a toll it would take if I continued to choose that in some parts of my life. Socializing in general honestly felt like nails on a chalk board during this time. I slowly began to spend time only with those I genuinely wanted to be around in a context I actually felt good within, which was pretty new for me. I spent A LOT of time alone. This was deeply restorative/refreshing and lonely/depressing at the same time. I said “no” like I just learned the word.
This is a piece I made when I was thinking about all the violence that has resulted in the world from people's inability to access and realize the word “no.” Systemic oppression is designed to alienate us from our access to boundaries and choice. Exploitation is the systematic narrowing of a person's options (materially and psychologically.) It is way too common for some of us to find our selves in a position where the option to say no is completely out of reach without terrible consequences. I hope we can fortify the power of refusal so it grows strong among the disenfranchised in order to transform this narrow reality. “no” is an angelic force in this world that must be respected and expanded whenever possible!
My anxious and angry reactions felt more likely to give way to the deep sadness that lied underneath, which I absolutely hated to feel. (I much prefer to be angry than sad.)
The consequences of my unhealthy habits started to feel more immediate and costly. This seems like a natural part of getting older. The questionable things we can get away with when we are young start to accumulate with age, gravity, and repetition. This is why certain habits can really hinder one's ability to age gracefully. The Saturn return feels like a natural time to evaluate such matters and make changes where necessary.
The transformation I experienced was gradual and internal but undeniably powerful. It is true what they say: Saturn is depressing, slow, heavy, and cold. It was a frigid and unforgiving time! On the other hand, it makes perfect sense why this occurs when it does in our lives. Everything in my “house” that Saturn came in and broke, well it was going to break anyways! He saved me some trouble down the line.
Looking back on my freshly laid Saturn Return, I am amazed at the quiet solidifying that occurred. At the end of Saturn in Pisces I have been experiencing this subtle realization that is like…
oh god…I will never stop making Art or being my weird ass self…will I? That is truly here to stay…forever?
It literally does not matter if I am good enough or if I will be successful…because this is just who I am and this is what is happening? Jesus.
That is not even necessarily a good thing! lol. But it rings loud and clear.
The building that was my structurally unsound 20s is now a very small and sturdy foundation. I'll admit a tiny foundation with no height, but I can imagine a building there some day! My bones have reshaped for now and I feel a bit more sturdy.
Uncle Frank Reborn in “Hell Raiser” 1987
Externally not a ton is different. I still don't have enough money, feel depressed and anxious and exhausted often, and wish parts of my life and this world were completely different. My perspective has changed widely though.
Most notably, I feel a level of freedom and acceptance in connection with my suffering I have never experienced before. Saturn reminds me that life on earth is fucking hard. It is hard when you abandon and negate yourself, and it is hard when you adhere to your values and truth. No matter what choices you make, there is no escaping pain while living on this planet. So why not try to do the good work while you are here? Why not be humble, be yourself, and be honest whenever possible? Why not stick it out til the next Saturn cycle? It literally might be kind of terrible either way so why not try! Plenty of older and wiser people have said that the pain of regret is far worse than the pain of failure.
Anyways that is all my Saturn return notes for now.
Other than that perhaps there should be a heavily enforced law in place that does not allow anyone to get married or make any big decisions in life before their Saturn return. Just kidding.
Please do lmk your experience if you were also Saturn in Pisces. Also curious about the experience of you Saturn in Aries babies so far. Or literally anyone who has ever run into Saturn ever in your entire life please lmk how it went…
We shall live another day. Good bye until next time!
Rhea giving the rock to Cronus, 19th-century painted frieze by Karl Friedrich Schinkel
If you would like to get writing like this delivered to your inbox: